a dam breaking somewhere deep
by herwhiteknight
Summary: No matter how many times she's told, Sarah can't sleep. She's too terrified of the Neolution worm in her jaw and the possibility of dying some gruesome death. Luckily, another one of the clones has recently experienced a brush with death. (Spoilers for S4 E3)
_a dam breaking somewhere deep_

Sarah's eyes were watering. She was watching Beth point a gun at the back of Paul's head and dimly recalled Art's words about how her and Beth were not all that different. _Both stubborn_ echoed around in her head, and if she hadn't been awake for.. well, god knows how long now, the significance would have weighed more heavily on her.

She couldn't fucking look away. Her eyes were on the screen, but her thoughts were loose and haunting. _Was this what drove Beth to the end? Did Beth have a ticking time bomb in her cheek too?_ Sarah felt herself start to shake, fisted the material of her jeans and clenched her jaw hoping to control her emotions. Then remembered the worm. And nearly cried.

She was supposed to be the bravest of them. The one who was leading them all in the search for answers. She couldn't lose it. They were relying on her. Like they relied on Beth.

 _And look what happened to her._

"Shit!" Sarah slapped a hand over her lips to muffle the scream as quickly as the sound had escaped. She didn't know what triggered it, or how unstable it was. It _seemed_ dormant but.. but she couldn't – didn't, _she didn't know, she didn't know_ anything.

She couldn't stop herself from shaking now, even if she wanted to. The walls were closing in and her fingers started an unwanted, restless pattern on the tops of her thighs, before any semblance of rhythm was disrupted by the quivering of her whole hand.

Sarah stood. Started pacing. Itched to throw something. But if she threw something, if she gave in to her volatile anger, she would scream. And screaming might cause it to explode. "Don't know anything, can't know anything," she muttered, threading her fingers through her hair as she crossed the short length of Art's living room, spun in a disjointed circle. Tugged at the ends of her hair, ripped some out. Crossed the living room. Raised a hand to her forehead. Tugged. Yanked. Back again.

"Can't talk, don't know, don't know don't know don't know...," she repeated, feeling caged in the apartment, in her own body, her own head, her jaw, her jaw _her jaw._

Her phone was in her hand without her remembering when she pulled it out of her pocket. She was dimly aware of the fact _(can't talk, can't scream, can't can't can't)_ that there was blood under her nail beds as she dialled a number. Wasn't Felix, because he didn't care that she was -

"Sarah?"

Sarah stopped at the sound of Cosima's voice flooding her ear. Managed to blink. "..Cos," she returned after a long moment.

"Is everything alright?" Cosima asked quietly, recognizing the strain in Sarah's voice, even in that small syllable.

"No, I -" Sarah tried carefully, feeling like she was shoving every word through a tight tube. Her throat closed, her jaw felt paralysed. Sentences felt like they would be impossible at this point. "I'm.. _I'mterrifiedCosima,"_ she breathed out in one small tiny rush of air.

"Sarah... oh my god.. it's-" Cosima started quickly.

"Don't tell me it'll be okay Cosima!" Sarah roared, her voice cracking, her jaw snapping at she quickly shut it with a tiny mortified whimper. What if she – _no no no_ , _can't talk stupid don't talk you'll die die die, don't do that shut up SHUT UP_

"You don't have to talk Sarah," Cosima cut off her clawing thoughts, "You just need to breathe and rest, okay? We'll," her voice caught and she coughed, twice. "We'll figure this out. You're.. you're going to be fine. I promise you that, okay?"

"But.. but I'm not fine," she whispered plaintively, clutching the phone with both hands now as she wavered on the spot. "God.. I'm supposed to be strong, how can I be strong when.. with..."

Cosima let her trail off without a reply. The gentle breathing on the other end was comforting somehow. Even with the occasional rattle and wheeze, things that once terrified Sarah because it meant that her sister _was still sick_ , Sarah found that she could breathe again as well. Cosima was still fighting. And despite her own terror, maybe Sarah could as well.

Still, her terror slipped out. "I don't want to die, Cos."

"You wont," Cosima's voice was rough and low, like a dam was breaking somewhere deep in her chest, sending emotional debris unchecked into her throat. "That's not going to happen Sarah."

"You-" she wavered again on her feet as her vision swam slightly in front of her. "You can't guarantee.. _anything,_ Cosima. How can you.. how can you just.. just trust so _blindly_ like that? Things could come crashing down at any minute- _any_ bloody _thing_ could happen, Cos!"

"I.. I know that, Sarah," Cosima murmured, "I know. But I know where you're coming from. I _know_ that fear. When I first found I was sick? When I didn't know how long I had? I was scared to death, okay?" she let out a small humourless laugh, "Sorry. Bad timing. You know what I'm saying though, don't you Sarah?"

"I do.. but.. Cos, I'm.. I'm not _you._ I don't know how to turn a really bloody awful-as-shite situation, like, I dunno, _dying?_ into something that's.. I dunno, do I? Into something that's you? You always see the best in everything, and everything is wonderful and beautiful to you and I don't now how to _do_ that and I'm just-"

"Sarah, I need you to sit down, okay?" Cosima commanded gently.

Sarah blinked, looked around. Found herself on the other side of the living room. "How could you tell I was pacing?"

"Heard it in your voice. Plus, you always pace when you're ranting," she pointed out as Sarah begrudgingly crossed over to the couch and fell over onto it. "Does that feel a little better, to start?"

Sarah tapped out a small pattern at the side of her knee, shrugging slightly. "I guess, yeah "Good," Cosima said, a warm smile evident in her tone. "Why don't you close your eyes now, and try to get some rest?"

"Everyone's always telling me that," Sarah grumbled, but wedged the phone between her ear and the couch and settled her arms across her stomach.

"Because you obviously haven't slept in ages, Sarah," Cosima said pointedly.

"It's not like I haven't tried," she admitted quietly, "But I keep seeing things, Cos. I keep thinking that I can _feel_ it moving in my mouth, like it's going to choke me. I want to sleep but I just... I can't."

Cosima was silent once more, aside from a quiet hum of care and concern. "Breathe with me, okay? And I can talk to you until you fall asleep, if you want."

"Sure I-" Sarah's words caught in her throat and she cleared her throat, raising her hand absently to her cheek. "I would love that, Cos. Thank you."

Cosima hummed again, the sound resonating in Sarah's chest as she finally closed her eyes and tried her best to match the flow of Cosima's breathing. After a few minutes, Cosima started talking about the stars.

It was only then, being soothed by the gentle music of Cosima's voice, that Sarah finally felt her whole body relax. And as she slept, she dreamed about flying through the galaxies, hand in hand with Cosima.


End file.
